Let’s talk about fears. Is it weird to kick things off that way? Here, I’ll add some bogus relevance. It’s almost Halloween: super spooky. Let’s talk about fears. Better?
I’ll tell you what I’m afraid of. One thing, really, and I’m getting real vulnie putting this out there for all the internet to read/take advantage of. Ready?
Creepy tiny repeating textures, mostly those occurring in nature and especially those occurring on flesh.
- pores/spores/those things on the underside of ferns VOMMITTTTT
- aerial views of penguins en masse
- geico guy made of money
- skittles chicken pox guy OMG NO
- tree trunk arms guy from Grey’s
And most definitely:
- adzuki beans beards
I’d like to point out that I’m intentionally not linking to these examples because it would mean searching for and therein (re)witnessing them for myself, but google to your heart’s content if you feel like having a major effing panic attack.
Seriously chills vom chills repeat vommmmmm.
Are you still reading? Are you breathing into a paper bag yet? No? Just me? Because you guys, I’m not alone. It even has a name. Trypophobia. OMG even just typing that is making the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. Ughhh. Really. Google At Your Own Risk. Are you dying? I’m dying.
I’m talking about all of this because the chocolate chunks spilled across the counter in these pics is like trypophobia lite. Do you see it? It’s like…kinda scaly? OMG barf again. I’m so sorry I’m saying barf and vom so much in a post about cookies, but I can’t not share. DO YOU SEE HOW THE CHOCOLATE COMES TOGETHER TO MAKE A TEXTURE? I almost couldn’t edit the pics, you guys. Are you dead? I’m dead.
Also, while we’re talking about fears, I think Lana has a legit fear of stickers. STICKERS. I had like 15 Hello Kitty slambooks filled with stickers when I was kid, so this is clearly not genetic, but she takes serious issue with them. You know how when you find the little giraffe or whatever at Trader Joe’s they give you stickers and fruit? (This is a child’s game, but I found it once, and when the guy jokingly offered me a honeycrisp, I didn’t say no.) Anyway, didn’t fly. As in, violent head shaking and almost instant tears when I attempted to artfully adorn the back of her hand. And you better believe the sticker on the banana had to go, too. Poor babe. Lisa Frank would be her Game Maker.
Ok. On to cookies. So.
You can call Bad Mom on this one, but these came about as a way to get chocolate chip cookies into our egg-averse 18-month-old. Google brought me to Ovenly’s recipe for vegan chocolate chip cookies, which made me think of the ridiculously addictive vegan CCC’s that are served up almost daily on the Google campus, and a few experimental batches later, these guys were born. The method is almost 100% Ovenly while the ingredients are inspired by the flavor profile of The Goog. Extra salty and with a hint of caramel chewiness. They’re a people-pleasing CCC, which means they’re a little thicker and a little chewier than my dream cookie (#teamthinandcrispy), but they pack so much classic chocolate chip cookie oomph that I can’t not snag one off the counter every time I set foot in the kitchen. And they’re the perfect texture for the little one to munch on — one strictly-doled-out quarter at a time. 😉
p.s. not joking you send me one photo of an anthill or the indigenous person wearing a body armor of tiny shells from the Museum of Natural History and I’ll write all the bad things about you in my slambook. And slash your tires.
p.p.s. dunn ferget about deez Orange Pecan Sticky Buns!
p.p.p.s. Looking for a stellar cookie recipe with a slightly smaller yield? (Who needs all those extra cookies tempting you from the counter…?) My friend Christina’s small batch chocolate chip cookies (while not vegan) totally fit the bill!
- ¾ cup (packed) light brown sugar
- ¼ cup sugar
- ¼ cup + 1 T avocado (or other neutral) oil
- ¼ cup olive oil
- ¼ cup + 1 T water
- 1 T Mexican vanilla
- 1¾ cups all-purpose flour
- ¼ cup oat flour
- 1 tsp baking powder
- ¾ tsp baking soda
- 1 tsp salt
- 1 ¼ cup dark or semi-sweet chocolate chips (dairy-free if you intend to keep the cookies vegan)
- coarse-grained or flaky sea salt for topping
- Combine sugars, oils and water in the bowl of a stand mixer and whisk on medium until sugar is almost fully dissolved, 5-7 mins. (If you rub the mixture between your fingers just a few granules should remain.) Add vanilla and mix to combine. (Alternatively use a large bowl and a hand mixer or a lot of elbow grease!)
- Meanwhile, whisk together flours, baking powder, baking soda and salt in another bowl. Add chocolate chips to dry ingredients and stir to combine.
- When liquids are mixed, dump in dry ingredients all at once and mix (with paddle attachment or wooden spoon) until just combined. Dough will be almost a batter consistency.
- Refrigerate dough until set, at least 12 hours or up to several days.
- When ready to bake: preheat oven to 350F. Just before baking, portion chilled dough into approx. 1.5 T scoops (this scoop gives me exactly 30 cookies every time!), sprinkle with salt (I omit this for the kiddo's cookies), and bake for 15-18 mins or until edges just begin to brown. Serve warm and gooey or remove to a cooling rack to cool completely. Enjoy!
Also, the oat flour adds just a bit more dimension to these guys, but they can absolutely be made with a full 2 cups of AP flour if oat flour doesn't happen to be on hand in your kitchen.
OH! before you go…
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I was dumb and googled…damn my eyes. you know these cookies would go real well with a shake or 3!
Noooooo! I mean, I guess if you’re not a trypophobe it’s not vomfest 2016, but I wouldn’t risk finding out! 😉 And yes – SHAKES ALWAYS.
Ha, my hubby and his little sister both have this-I’ve never met anyone else who did though! Luke goes mad if you show him mold or honeycomb or frgospawn (sorry to even mention the words!). As for these cookies, yum, I’ll take three please 🙂
Oh my god frogspawn blagghhhh. It’s a wonder I can even eat chia pudding.
That Skittles chicken-pox commercial makes me want to vomit EVERY. DAMN. TIME.
Also, the cookies look great, but… SKITTLES GUY.
Seriously WHY SKITTLES? They also made the piñata man commercial a few years back and I had to cover my eyes every. Single. Time. Clearly they want none of my money ever.
Is it too embarrassing to say that I’m 100% sure I couldn’t make a blog post long enough to list all of my fears? I’m a huge weenie. >.<
But, on a happier note, these look A-MAZING and I wish I was eating one of them right now.
What? Nooooo. Now I wanna know them all! Like, are they true, clinical fears? I mean, I don’t love spiders or sharks, but I can deal in most situations. This trypophobia thing is major. Anxiety-inducing in a big, big way. Thankfully, these cookies have very little to do with it – except in instances of poor food styling choices. I wish you were eating one, too!
I have actually never tried the vegan chocolate chip cookies! I might need to go grab one at lunch today, haha!
WHAT. Your self-control is out of this world, Alice. Definitely give one a try today – and then eat an extra for me, too!
Oh myy!…being a bona fide cookie monster….I needed a chocolate chip cookie recipe…THX!! Great post 🙂
You’re so welcome! Surprised you don’t already have a fave of your own. This one’s pretty badass though!
Sadly I don’t have a recipe that I’ve mastered yet (hint). I have always wanted to do one with mexican chocolate (forever in planning stages). Really interested on trying this recipe and seeing if I can make healthier versions of my oatmeal raisin cookies and blondie bars.
Sounds awesome, can’t wait to hear how it goes!
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Making this long time fave since I’m outta butter!!!
Yeah girl – always a good one. We made them last week, too!